Fancy a few nights in a hotel?

I phoned my wife today and said, "Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

Accidentally had sex with my wife....

I accidently had sex with my wife last night, and now she thinks we are friends.

I accidentally texted my sister...

I accidentally texted my sister asking if she wanted to have sex tonight.

I meant tomorrow.

British Summer Time ha!!

Installing British Summer Time.....

Can you have my children?

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise."

"Sure," she replied.

I said, "Great! Get your knickers off then."

Abu Qatada arrested

After years of calling for the destruction of Britain and compulsory Islam for Europe, radical cleric Abu Qatada was arrested today and remanded in custody.

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, 'He went too far this time. His wheelie bin was over-full and the lid wouldn't close.'

Justin Bieber lashed out at a photographer

"Justin Bieber lashed out at a photographer as he lost his temper in the latest drama of his UK tour"

The photographer is now recovering from a burst bladder after pissing himself laughing.

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

Manners, what manners?

The results of a survey out today say 63% of people say manners aren't as good as they used to be.

The other 37% told the researcher to fuck off.

Buying a Lasagne in Britain...

Buying a Lasagne in Britain is a lot like trying to pick out a prostitute in Thailand.

You know some of them are going to contain some unwanted meat.