I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning,

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"

I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

As the dog sat watching the orchestra.....

As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought...

"Just throw the fucking thing."

I did a few drugs last night...

I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone.

Big mistake - I was tripping all night.

When Thierry Henry was signed to play at Arsenal again....

When Thierry Henry was signed to play at Arsenal again they said, "You'll feel right at home here, everything's just as you left it."

Including the trophy cabinet.

How do you make a Pirate angry?

How do you make a Pirate angry?

Take the P out of him.

Emile Heskey has revealed that...

Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a t-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will show it off next time he scores.

It says "Free Nelson Mandela"