Johan Cruyff, Michel Platini, Diego Maradona and Thierry Henry...

Johan Cruyff, Michel Platini, Diego Maradona and Thierry Henry bragged about who was the best footballer.
Cruyff said that Holland's queen claimed that he was the world's best footballer.
- As if it's something to brag about, "said Platini, "the Pope of Rome says that I'm the best footballer in the world".
Maradona told them that God had said that it was he who's the world's best footballer.
- Henry looked strangely at Maradona and said "i've never ever said that!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

• Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
• Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
• Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
• Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
• Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Finally World Cup England Jokes!

• What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

• I'm shocked at Wayne Rooney's outburst after the Algeria game. Who knew he could even string a sentence together!

• Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

• What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

• What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

• Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.

• I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian

• What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.

• Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

When NASA first started sending up astronauts,

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby....

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Doctor look at me!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Two hunters are out in the woods...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

OXO are introducing a new white oxo cube

OXO are introducing a new white oxo cube with a red cross on it in support of the England Football Team.

It's called the laughing stock!!

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs were working down a mine when it collapsed, a rescuer called down can anybody hear me? A voice replies England are going to win the world cup. Snow White says "Well at least we know fucking Dopey is alive!".

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

I have such a dilemma.

There is a guy at my gym with no legs, and I feel really awkward around him every time I see him. So I tried to make a connection. I said, 'Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?'

Guy says to Doctor, "I have a problem....

Guy says to Doctor, "I have a problem. Each time I masturbate, I sing 'You'll Never Walk Alone'". Doc replies, "Don't worry, lots of wankers sing that".

A Blind Man

A blind man goes to see a prostitute. On feeling her pimply face, he recoils in horror. Feeling hurt she says to him, "It's only a bit of acne". "Thank fuck for that", he replies, "I thought it was the price list".

Non-Alcoholic Beer

Non alcoholic beer is like licking your sister out! It tastes the same but its not right.

Text Joke: NEVER ASSUME MEN UNDERSTAND!

Never assume men understand! A man's wife had been in a coma for months & suddenly when the nurses were washing her private parts they noticed the heart monitor changed. So the nurses told the husband that a little "oral sex" might bring her round. So the nurses closed the curtains & after a few minutes her monitor flatlined - no pulse no heartbeat. When the nurses asked him what happened he replied "I'm not sure, I think she choked".

Text Joke: I met a prostitute the other day...

I met a prostitute the other day. She had no arms. I asked her if it affected her work at all. She said she couldn't give a toss.

Text Joke: Man says to wife...

Man says to wife, "I had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension today". Wife replied, "You should have shown them your dick, we'd get disability allowance!"

Text Joke: A kid came up to me

A kid came up to me the other day and said, "What's your favourite Telly Tubby?", I said, "A Toshiba 60" LCD you cheeky little cunt".

Text Joke: A dwarf...

A dwarf walks into a bar wearing a t-shirt saying "I hate fucking foreigners". I thought to myself, that's a little racist.

Text Joke: A Catholic man said..

A Catholic man said to his mate. I'm fed up with all the excuses women come out with to avoid sex;

"I'm Washing my hair"

"I'm tired"

"I've got a headache"

"I'm your sister..."

Text Joke: Viagra now available in powder form

Viagra now available in powder form to put it in your tea. It won't enhance performance but it will stop your biscuits going soft.

There was this guy with a 25 inch penis....

There once was a guy with a 25-inch penis. Of course he was having problems getting any because it was simply too long. So he goes to a doctor and asks him if there is anything he can do. The doctor says, "Well, there is a medical procedure for that but it'll cost you about $10,000."

The guy replies, "But I don't have that kind of money and I really need to get this taken care of." So the doctor says, "Well, there is an old local myth that says if you go down to the lake and ask a certain frog to marry you, your penis will shrink five inches every time it says no."

Since the guy cannot possibly afford the money for the operation, he heads down to the lake. After spending about half an hour asking every frog in sight if it would marry him, he asks this one frog sitting on a rock, "Frog, will you marry me?"

Suddenly the frog opens it's mouth and says, "No." The guy feels something move in his pants and when he looks down, his penis is 20 inches! 20 inches is obviously still too big so once again the guy asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"

Once again the frog says, "No."

The guy looks down and his dick is now 15 inches. One more time and everything will be perfect the guy thinks to himself. So one last time, he asks the frog if it will marry him.

The frog replies, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"

Husband and Wife stranded on a deserted island...

A husband and wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.

The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!" Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."