Just Try A Different Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'.... and she's always sound asleep!"

A man joins the crew of a ship....

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?".

"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays".

"Why not on Wednesdays?"

"Wednesdays is YOUR turn to be inside the barrel!"

Tip On How To Satisfy Your Wife...

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife in bed. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to give her an orgasm. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice.

His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100%successful. "Hire a big strong black man to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. Your wife is sure to have an orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, hopped into bed, and while the huge black guy waved the towel, he made hot monkey love to his wife. But all his efforts were in vain. No orgasm.

He went back to his friend and told him what had happened. His friend suggested that the husband and the big guy switch places. "Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed". The husband agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife.

The husband hired the same guy again and this time they traded places. The strong guy made wild, hot, crazy love to the man's wife while the husband stood and waved the towel.

Naturally, the wife had a divine orgasm.

The husband leaned over to the black guy and said proudly, "You see!
That's how you have to wave the towel."

Can you bear it any longer!!

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

Never to old, just be careful...

This 80 year old man and his wife were laying in bed one day. And the man gets up and starts putting on nice clothes. The woman says "Where are you going". "To the doctor to get some Viagra" replies the man.

So then the woman gets up and she starts putting nice clothes on. "Where are you going" said the man. "I am going to the doctor" she said. "Why your not sick" said the man.

"Well I figured if your going to use that old rusty thing I'm going to get a tetanus shot".

A man walks into a sperm bank...

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show...

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the shows host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

My husband doesn't want sex anymore!

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

Too Late Now!!

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

A Flat-Chested Young Lady....

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months--it worked! She grew great boobs!

One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, he had left, so she took a shower then went outside looking for transportation.

She found a bus stop and in short order, a bus with a destination to the city pulled up. On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. By now, she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock..."

A farmer needed his sheep pregnant.....

There was this shepherd who had this whole flock of sheep. He wanted to get the sheep pregnant so that he could increase his stock, but he was too poor to buy a male sheep. So, he figured the only thing he could do was to get the sheep pregnant himself.

One morning the man loaded up all the sheep into his truck and drove them over to a barn where nobody could see him. He screwed each sheep and then loaded them back in the truck and brought them back to the pasture near his house. He went to bed that night after a long day's work.

The next morning he woke up, and looked out the bedroom window expecting all the sheep to be laying down on their sides, because that is what the sheep do when they are pregnant. But, all the sheep were still standing.

The guy is surprised and a little disappointed, but he gets up, loads the sheep back into the truck, takes them to the barn and tries to get them impregnated. He wakes up the next morning and looks out the window and sees that the sheep are all standing up. So, he loads them in the truck, takes them in the barn and does them all, yet again.

The next morning, he is so exhausted by his work, he asks his wife to look out the window and look at the sheep. She does this and he asks her if they are laying down on their sides She says, "No, they are all in the truck, and one is honking the horn!"

If you can't get pregnant, maybe try this to....

A young lady had just visited her doctor and was informed she was pregnant. She had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus on her way home, she felt she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to tell.

"Sir," she said. "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll burst." She told him what the doctor had told her and how long she had waited for the event.

The man shared her enthusiasm, then he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer. "I use to have trouble with the hens laying fertilized eggs. But one day I went out to the hen house and checked the eggs the hens had laid. All were fertilized."

"What changed that made them all fertilized?" the young lady asked.

"Simple. I changed cocks!"

"Confidentially," the newly pregnant woman responded, "So did I."

Just when you think your luck is in!

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us...

A couple has a male friend from visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his butt. He won't even wake up."

The friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's butt, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

The husband then rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're screwing my wife, but could you at least stop using my butt for a scoreboard?"

Favourite Sex Position

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favourite position is the "rodeo."

The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too...' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

Need a little satisfaction

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

A huge muscular guy walks into a bar.....

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog, and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'

"So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.' She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

"She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?' I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

"Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?' I looked at her and replied, 'How about a little head?' "

It's A Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Why so many feathers?

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a
tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?"

His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.
Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so god-damned hostile!"

The Chief replied "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!"

With tears in her eyes,Ms. Walters cried,"Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!"

If you woke up in the woods....

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"
"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"
The man said, "Of course not."
"Wanna go camping?"

Mickey Mouse divorces Minnie Mouse

A judge found himself presiding over a divorce suit brought by Mickey Mouse against Minnie Mouse.

"Mr Mouse," explained the judge after reviewing the suit, "You can't divorce your wife just because you claim she is crazy."

"I didn't say she was crazy," replied Mickey, "I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

Every seat in the football stadium was sold out except one.....

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was Grand final day. A television reporter noticed the empty seat and thought there might be a story.

"Why is this seat empty"", he asked a man sitting beside it.

"That's my wife's seat", came the reply.

"Then why isn't she here?"

"She died last week", replied the man.

"I'm so sorry to hear that", said the reporter, "but surely you could have found a friend to come with you today."

"No", replied the man, "they're all at the funeral."

What does a vagina look like?

Sixteen year old Jonny asks his father "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"
"Well" said the father knowingly, "It has two looks. Before sex it looks like a beautiful rose with folds."
"What about after sex?" asked the son.
"Well" said the father "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"

Risky asking a barmen to recommend a drink!

The Irish girl had never been into a bar before, and she asked the barman to recommend a drink.

"Try this", he suggested, and mixed her up a dry Martini.
She thought it was great, but an hour and six Martinis later, she was asleep on the floor, dead drunk.

The barman asked a couple of regulars to help him carry her out to the back room, where one of them suggested that they give her a quickie while she was out cold.
Next night, she returned to the bar and got stuck into the Martinis again. As before, she finished up dead drunk. The same three carried her out the back and bonked her again. This went on for a week.

When she came back on the eight night, the barman started mixing the Martinis as soon as she walked through the door.

"I'll have a Scotch tonight!", she said. "Those Martinis make my cunt sore!"