Oh Sister...

One evening a man spotted a good looking nun on a bus. When she got off, he asked the bus driver about her.

"Oh, Sister Mary rides this line for daily vespers at the cemetery, " the bus driver told him.

At dusk the next evening, the man went to the cemetery, and once there he dressed up as Jesus. When the nun arrived, he stepped, out from behind a grave marker and said, " I am Jesus Christ. I want to fuck you in the ass."

"Yes, O Lord, "the nun replied and bent over.

Delighted, the man lifted up her habit and began to defile the sister.
After climaxing, he ripped off his beard and said, "I'm not really Jesus Christ."
The nun ripped off her habit. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

I gotta piss! I gotta piss!

Little Harold was hopping on one foot then the other. "I gotta piss! I gotta piss!", he cried to his mother in front of her friends. Mother took him to the toilet and explained to him that next time he wanted to go to the toilet, he should not use those words. She said he should come in and talk quietly - "That's a whisper" she said.

Two hours later, Harold came rushing in again. "I wanna whisper! I wanna whisper!", he said. His mother knew what he wanted and took him to the toilet, after which he was rewarded with a candy bar.

That night the urge came on again. Harold jumped out of bed and ran to his father. "What is it, son?", his father asked. "I wanna whisper, Daddy. I wanna whisper." "O.K. son, come here and whisper in my ear."

Have whatever you want darling....

He was obviously trying to impress her as they walked into the jewellery shop on Friday night.
"Choose any diamond ring you'd like, darling", he said, gesturing flamboyantly.

She chose a five carat setting worth $40,000.

"Can I pay by cheque?", he asked the manager.

"Certainly, sir, but of course you understand that we will have to keep the ring until the cheque is cleared."

A few days later, he returned to the jewellers.

The concerned manager said, "I'm afraid your cheque has bounced."

"Yes, I know", he said, "I just dropped by to thank you and say that I had a really great weekend."

Dream Revenge...

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

Kiss Me! Kiss Me! She Said....

The blonde patient pleaded with her psychiatrist. "Kiss me! Please, kiss me!"
"No", said the psychiatrist, "that's unethical Miss. I shouldn't even be screwing you."

Old one today.... Can't beat a quickie...

One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he decided to drop in on Batman.
"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."
"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it. Can't fight crime without it, you know."
Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.
"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without it, you know."
Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony, stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea. "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.
So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.
"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.

Garry was depressed..

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was gay.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because my father was a gay."
"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.
"My brother is gay."
"That still doesn't mean that you are".
"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."
The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.
"Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?", he asked.
"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

Work Place Stress

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."

The psychiatrist explained about workplace stress and told him he must learn to relax.

But a week later, the patient was back. "I don't think I can control myself much longer", he said. "The urge is getting greater. I'm going to put my dick in the onion peeler any day now."

The psychiatrist prescribed Valium.

A month later, the patient was back on the psychiatrist's couch.
"I've lost my job", he said. "I finally stuck my dick into onion peeler."
"My God!", said the psychiatrist. "What happened then?"
"I got fired. And Betty, the onion peeler, got fired too."

Be careful where you put it!

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to have his penis amputated.

Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation.

A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practised traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation.

"I'm so relieved!", said Bill.

"Yes", said the Chinese medico, in a week's time it will drop off by itself."

Should have been here last night....

The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlours.

"Sorry", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight."

Disappointed, he returned to leave.

"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."

"Why not!" he thought.

He paid his money and had his way with the pig.

It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlour the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."

He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.

"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."

What A Tip!

It was Christmas time and the housewife was waiting impatiently at the front gate for the garbage truck. One by one, she took the garbos to the bedroom and made passionate love to them.
Finally, it was the driver's turn, but he was bitterly disappointed when she just gave him $20.
"What's this?", he cried.
"For Christmas", she replied. "My husband said, 'give the driver $20 and fuck the rest."

Ouch...

Dave watched his flat chested wife try on her new bra.
"What do you want a bra for? You've got nothing to put in them", he smirked.
"I don't complain when you buy underpants she replied.

Oh no, it's my husband!......

"Oh no, it's my husband!", she said to her boyfriend on hearing the front door slam. "Quick hide in the wardrobe!"
He grabbed his clothes and dashed from the bed to the wardrobe. After a few minutes, another voice said quietly, "It's damn dark in here, isn't it?"
The man, shivering in the nude, said, "Who's there?"
The little voice replied, "Give me $50 and I won't yell out to Dad and tell him who you are."
In no position to argue, he handed over the money, and at the appropriate time made a quick dash out the window.
The following week, Junior came home with a brand new set of roller blades. His mother queried, "Where did you get the money for those?"
"I had $50", he replied.
"Where did you get that kind of money?", but Junior wasn't telling.
Convinced her son was up to no good, she ordered him to go to Church. "Confession will fix you up, my boy. You'll have to tell the Priest", and she pushed him into the confessional box and shut the door.
"It's damn dark in here", he said out loud.
"Now, don't start that again!", said the Priest.

Terry the wimp....

Terry joined the army and was terrified about having to make his first parachute jump. On the day of the jump he told his wife that he couldn't do it but she reassured him and sent him off for the jump. On his return she asked him how it went.
"Dreadful!" he said. "When the plane got to 10,000 feet, we lined up for the jump and when it got to my turn I just froze in the doorway!"
"So what happened?" she pressed.
"The Sergeant came up behind me pulled out his huge dick and said that if I didn't jump he's stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.
"Well did you jump?" she asked
"Yes, - a little bit at first..."

Sex, is there anything better?

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

We'll learn it all on our honeymoon....

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

Just got to love the holidays.....

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Santa Claus on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Merry Christmas" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a champagne bottle with "Happy New Year" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and New Year's Eve."

A trip down memory lane....

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

What would your name be?

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

Be careful you frisky young men....

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

Martian Sex can be painful...

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."